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Your drink order tells the bartender, as well as the people around you, a lot about you.  (It tells the bartender more, however.. because we’ve probably seen your type before.. many times.)


“Give me a Miller Light, bro”    

miller light  Frat-boy or frat-boy type.  You want to get drunk but you don’t want to spend a lot of money.  You are spitting when you talk because you are too drunk to formulate words correctly.

“Can I get an old-fashioned?”

mm-cocktail-old-fashionedYou’re either an old, nerdy white dude who used to order these when your were younger; or you are a hipster who heard this is the “in hipstery drink” to order right now.  Either way, you have a polo shirt on, buttoned all the way to the top.

“I want a long-island, is it strong here?”

long island Rookie drinker.  Yes, our long-island is strong here.. because it’s made with 4 liquors and 1 liqueur.  It’s also a grooossss drink because it’s made with 4 liquors and 1 liqueur (4 liquors that don’t play well together).

“Black Label please, neat.”

black You know what you’re doing.  You are likely a white or Latin guy of some-sort and you’ve been to a bar/ nightclub before.  I probably won’t see you trying to light the wrong end of a cigarette later.

“I want 5 Baby-Guiness shots!”

baby guiness  You are a drunk girl (or maybe a drunk, effeminate guy).   You heard some other drunk girl order this shot 2 years ago and now you order it when you get drunk every.single.time.  I’ll probably see your slutty underwear later when you fall on the dance floor.


“Hennessy VSOP in a snifter please.”

hn snifter If I got this order with a blind-fold on, I would still know that it’s an order from a black guy over the age of 30.  You likely have a 3-piece suit on and maybe are still wearing a Bluetooth headset in your ear for some reason.


vodka soda  You want to get drunk but you don’t want the calories.  This is your low-calorie option to keep you sugar intake low… until you wake up tomorrow with a hangover and order a large, 3 meat-pizza from Dominoes to take the edge off.

“I don’t know what I want.”

Question-mark  You are the bane of the bartender’s existence.  Who let you in here?  I can’t tell you what you want.. because I’m not you.  I can tell you what I like – Jack on the rocks.  If you don’t want that, I’m fresh-out of ideas.  Step aside or go to Applebee’s where you can stare at the disgusting drink menu and order something that has Hershey’s chocolate syrup in it.


Got any more drink orders to add-on here?





I wrote this to entertain, not to offend.  Please keep that in mind.

– Ross Fairly



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